thinking....i do it a lot... every where ive been in my life going back to my earliest memory ive been unconsciously storing up pictures..
its as if i knew deep down in my soul i,d one day need to draw on them as i,d have no other way of remembering. i,d be a prisoner..
we were at south shields me mam dad son everyone having a good time,...
me.. sat looking out at the ferries and boats going in and out of the mouth of the river,
remember distinctly thinking, i can look back at that picture.. and i can, its as if ive perfected a photographic memory...

making some cards later.. when ive tidied up..it,s taking such a long time to get on the computer that i give up, havent had it a year yet,. thinking how i spent the days before last may..
i,d get up see to the mail. i dreaded the postie.. forms.. writing.. i,d tidy up, cardmake.. read..
paint..sat out in the garden in fine weather...hated the hot weather....especially the humid days..
i just wanted them to end....by the end of the night id be sitting in the garden trying to find a cool spot..

asleep early woke late.
feel as if I've been pulled through a whinney bush, don,t know what that's all about.
most likely cos i was walking..last night...
set my sights on further afield ages ago..got to have a goal.... it might not be yet..
but i,m determined..

i want to be sitting some where with the sun on my face wind in my hair...peace and quiet birds whistling.. not too much to ask...people who have freedom to roam don,t know they are born really...

i don,t mind really about the weather..it could be lashing down with rain.. hurricane force winds.
snowing a blizzard.... all day or minutes, well it,d have to be longer than minutes..
but really it,s trying to acclimatise myself.... plus i,m on my own.. that way i,m my own boss ,
i,m in control..and i don,t have to rely on anyone..
i made the mistake of going everywhere with my mam, then found it difficult to be by myself..
it,s not good to become dependant..

dreaming but don,t know of what yet..mam was in it..one part.....

remembered... saying to mam "do you think we,ll ever have tea and cake like we used to in the cafe round the corner."?
mam replid "yes as long as you don,t chatter on all day like you used to and distact me until my tea goes cold"....i did do those things...but i was just full of bounce and zest for life the days were,nt long enough...remembered some more it comes in dribs and drabs..i said to mam. "Promise if you promise to stop telling me off"...she took a lot of stuff out on me.. i was in the firing line..a lot.. dad wasn,t in the dream..mam looked well..
computers on the blink..
it,ll be ending up in the clinic..

what a day.. didnt get much done..

got no words really so ....printing off victorian seaside images for cards.

flying the nest..

trying to think how long its been...2001, which is a very scary thought.
ive got to try and find my own sense of freedom. free to come and go as i please..independence. every ones basic right. i,m stagnating in here.
the breakfast bar was always full of cuttings from plants, shrubs ect.
walking the dog was one of my great pleasures. among nature.
i,m lucky to have a park next door i can get lost in...
if things get you down in the house you can just pop on your coat and vanish, thats the thing i miss the most..

it,ll go down as one of the hardest things ive ever had to do it wasnt pre planned, i just got up off the top of the bed and pushed myself out.
will i be able to do it again? at this minute ... no..

i want a life.... want to see all the things i have,nt seen for years....
close up.... not through my minds eye....

first timer....

just come in been out with meg the collie.....as i sit here i feel as if ive climbed everest...not in the mind this time.. the body..