and if anyone says ... magic does,nt exist disbelieve cos i feel as if some one stumbled on my blog and cast a spell over it..and me.. true....has it brought peace of mind ...? no....
if i live to be a thousand i,ll never understand people..
but thats ok.. if we were all the same life would be very boring..
i,ll keep on saying good things about the world and all its inhabitants.. its just my nature..

can,t believe my dads 82.. imagine living that long......especially if life the world is dull dreary boring monotonous....or you are ill.. tired.. i say try to change it for the better....
in small ways..this is what i keep on doing... if at first you don,t succeed try try again..
one day if i imagine good health in my minds eye, keep positive..it,ll happen.

.if not at least i gave it my best shot...

nice sunny day..
peaceful.. quiet... birds whistling, the doves are back.. they must have been on holiday.
i think the world looks better outside than it does within 4 walls so i,m going to visit mam and dad...
.little stumbling blocks in life become stepping stones.. which has to be good..really..
i suppose that goes for illness ... m.e... included..

picked myself 3 angel cards out.....
archangel michael.. peace youth... thats me..
.i try to do everything in life with as much dignity as i can muster.. i,ll never change..

blogs are,nt really me so i,ll be back when i,m recovered...
i have limited energy and getting well is priority otherwise well .. i,ll die basically and thats not overdramatising either....

wasn,t coming in but nothing on t.v.. boredom setting in..
and thinking when i look back at my writing.. its..well it looks frivolous a lot of it..and i don,t know the other words.... but it,s not meant to be, far from it..
words don,t and never will be able to give a true picture but i do the best i can with the tools i have to describe a life.... with m.e....

not that i think for a minute anyones interested, but for me its a bit like a soul mate my inner self.. witterings on..thats all..

before long it,ll gather dust and just be something that people will maybe say.. her ? who?
forgot all about her and thats the way it should be really,
i don,t ever flatter myself i,m anything special..there are people out there much more special than me..who deserve to be where they are..rightly so..
ive been on a journey, i,m still on a journey we are all on a journey..


a million words wouldn't cut it..where ive been and still am..
i keep to myself a lot as i would just bog people down..

illness is not something you share..i refuse to..if i,m in misery why should anyone else suffer..in here they don,t know half..
and im always leaving to put everyone out of their misery.. going to mams..running away..trying to make things better.. truth is i have,nt the energy to do much at all.

and in reality ive been nowhere, have,nt moved an inch...ive been right here,
flitting around in the ether 24 hours a day..why? how does that work ?
like.. i,m still here virtually.... i don,t know.. maybe gods way of making transition easier...



me the lass from somewhere back in the 1600s trying and being forced to live in the here and now..
i,ll ponder it and maybe come up with a different conclusion.....
i have no answers.... wish life was just plain sailing cut and dried..

i feel as if theres been a virtual me..up above..the real me down here is trying to understand it all.... suddenly finding herself able to communicate with the minds of spirits... 24 hours a day..

i do feel sometimes very strongly that ive been hurtled straight from a past life into a future unbeknown to me.....
durham plays a strong part cos im drawn there..cathedral.. river.. ..the bells..
all of it.. i feel like something out of time..

thats the thing that makes me sad i,m reminded every day of my childhood..
like flashbacks.... playing, having fun.... don,t understand it..
but i,d rather be there cos life is harsh here and now...so i guess i accept it and escape into it..
and who wants to feel like that every day.? i,m the only one that does, thank god, cos its not nice..

once a medium said this house was haunted..i can,t explain the draughts which started again last night after 11pm...went away a few weeks ago..





i do think theres a place for new technology, well its new to me all of this..computers and stuff..
given the right circumstances.
in its rightful place it can be ok i suppose......

but should be used with utmost caution as words wether they be computers.. email letters texts can be cold and harsh....give off the wrong impression......build a picture thats.. a virtual world really...
in my opinion the best and only way in life will always be the spoken word.
i havent been able to trust the world for eons...
i do try to understand...

been reading healing with angels today fascinating read.
its just something thats always interested me..

ive never been the most confident person.. never..
it lets me down always did..but i can,t help who i am....maybe thats who i,ll always be.. i was always scared of my own shadow....
i think of people and in reality they,d scare me to death.. truth...
but there are some really nice people in the world.....

every night i dream then wake thinking what have i said now.,
i dream i,m making things better....thats a laugh really..

but it was my soul purpose and intention..soul spelt that way for a reason..
and this whatever it is .. energy thing..always seems to become stronger, everytime, just before a crisis occurs..

and really in truth.. in the psychic realm there are 2 things going on feeling and thought.. they have been different ends of the spectrum..
complete contradictions of each other..
tidying up....

universal energy..

listening about mediums today..my gran refused to charge for reading tealeaves she said it was a gift given to her for the purpose of good and it,d be wrong to take payment. she went all over the north east me and mam following..
i loved to sit in the background absorbing all the chatter and goings on..

a lot of mediums in those days would say buy me a small gift if you like...
but when i think back her china cabinet which i loved to look in seemed to have the usual ornaments pot dogs ect but nothing of any monetary value we must have bought many of them so they will at least have had lots of sentimental value..
but it goes to show that no one bought her any gifts for her trouble but she never complained.. my gran went and "laid" people out.. i refused to go..

she was the most lovely woman and had a beautiful singing voice, although nearly deaf she wasnt tone deaf...
her mother was stone deaf as they say.. so it must be hereditary..
my son wants me to have my ears looked at .. i miss a lot..


I think too that even if i attempted to make myself invisible which i nearly am now, people housebound are...id still be felt out in the universe some where... .. strange but very true..
and ive read all the books and still didn't really believe "universal energy" existed.
its a benevolent energy..like attracts like..if you think negative thoughts you attract more. negativity.... thinking positive you attract positives..and so on..
"mind magic"

maybe cos im in the house ive tuned in or become attuned i don,t know..
it,s a power if harnessed can be used for good..otherwise why would you be given it..? people with negative qualities don,t have it..


last 2 days the small blue lights are back hovering just outside my field of vision....and spikes from my finger tips... look like thin wispy grey lines..very spooky..

its only when you experience it for yourself that you become a believer..
reminds me of an angel quote..

its not.... i,ll believe it when i see it, those are the words of the doubter..
the true way is ..you,ll see it when you believe it......suspend belief..
some may never be touched by such things....i pity them really..
but its everyone to thier own..

when i was young i thought id been put on this earth for the sole purpose of enjoying myself and when obstacles came up i got in a right old stop and tizwaz..
now i think differently, life has to be experienced in all its glory, sadly sometimes..warts and all....for me when life goes right (if it ever does or will again) then its the emotions, senses, these are the things you realise as you get older that are worth the most..

when young everything is very shallow..or can be..

have,nt been on here since monday thats got to be a good sign..
woke with a start looked at the clock 3am, dreaming talking to some one quite emphatically.. why ? who?
heaven knows..the chair was empty i,m sure of it, my best dining chair..
i,ll hold back on the rest..

watched are you being framed.. in trouble for opening a bag of crisps.. noisily..

peaceful... birds whistling....

ginger bread cottage..

its either this or doing as ive been doing and blanking it out...i could run away live in a cottage in the middle of the woods.. away from the ... world...
sit and ponder the rest of my days... which is where i belong ..

and we all look forward into the future thinking this is how it is, how its going to be, i did that too.. but for me its not..not anymore...everything changes....
ive been too ill to spend the rest of my days..a prisoner.
.
i,m turning myself inside out to find a way back to.. health.. filled with "zing"...
its just a simple thing...
a way back to life really...other things hold no appeal for me... material things...
they never did..i,m past all that..ive been downsizing for years...

people would read about chakra,s and such...people going about their daily business .. heads in everyday living, thinking... what on earth is she on about.. but there are lots of like minded people ...good people... ive just got to find them.. if i wish to, at the minute i don,t..i,m ok......i,m not well enough anyway.

think when im well nothing much will change..i,ll still be me, and an hour out in the world every now and again will be enough for me..
think when you practice positive thinking exercises for as long as i have from my "mind magic " book its all there in front of you anyway... pictures.. a virtual library.... no need to travel far to see it.. stay here and save all that money..

full moon.. .

bought a book eons ago .. chakra healing..by liz simpson.. think i must have bought it maybe 15 years ago when i first joined the book club which cost a fortune.. and i quickly got out of..just glancing the sacral chakra..svadhisthana..meaning sweetness...i,m going to end up needing bill Murray from ghost busters...and its anything but a joke..

a dream in mid jan brought it all and i never asked for the dream either....
its full moon tomorrow...anything can last.. linger..
if you drink coffee the after effects of the caffeine..linger on..

i never liked full moon...it brings me upset equilibrium..misunderstandings...

chakra,s..do they exist? answers on a postcard..

studying up. about chakra,s. as ive done before yet never took much notice...
i know without doubt we have them, now ive just got to .. what.. no idea.. but im thinking i can,t spend my life walking around counting to 1 hundred.....perish the thought...
its there when i sit in utter quiet...i think.. its here again..
didnt ask for it...it found me..

id like to know if it can be used for .. well sending or recieving from anywhere really and i go cold as i write this but its something that exists.
and as usual im on my own with it, everything that ive had to deal with in life has been... well i,m always the first.. i have no benchmark...no one to talk to..fear of ridicule.... i,ll cancel that statement...im not in fear because..its magic... only way to describe spiritual things..
i have no one to communicate it to either...which is the way things are in life.. mine anyway.

but without doubt i was born too soon, i,m out of kilter.. out of place in a world where i dont belong...
and id be sent to the tower for it and i am already there so it doesnt matter whats done to me really..
antibiotics not working.... asleep early yet woke with cough so its like the first
and as usual its ... groundhog day....

and you do think to yourself.. hope things arent in for a lifetime.. thats not good for anyone..

tablets seem to be working..last night after 11pm dancing in the kitchen not much. about 2 minutes... but its improvement.....fast asleep soon after..
no dreams ..slept through..

i,ll keep on saying good things about people and the world .. its all i know ..lifes too short .. well mine is anyway.. i can,t change my core essence.. i just can,t play along with.. conflict, i don,t know how to...its not a part of me.. never has been... i always try to give my all trying to resolve.. ....esp..when my heart is good.. but every day seems to be groundhog day..

talked to the doc. like waiting to have your head chopped off. antibiotics winging thier way to me..
but found out from antique prog. ive a cranberry glass lamp that may be worth something.

nothing much but the odd card now ....as ive been doing...

before i put out the washing...over the last few months for the first time in my life ive looked ahead into the future and saw nothing.....a blank page...
that is good...
nothing is mapped out for me....i won,t have to be doing this anymore..
when you know whats coming life can become boring..especially if its a struggle..
it proves that i,m optimistic.. it,s like waiting for xmas .. you've no idea what santa claus is bringing you.. its a surprise..

that's what its going to be like for me when ive my health back.. as i don't know what its like to be well.. 15 years ago it started..

when i think what i was doing this time last year and now..my whole daily routine has changed.. it had to ... i,ve been in trouble for being plugged in too much not paying attention to what was being said to me.. causing too much disharmony.....
when i was in bed well it was ok now i,m up and anyway everythings changed.. nothing stays the same.

my mam always says she hates change but sometimes given a little leeway change can bring about a much better perspective and outlook..
..
im deaf in one ear too so when they speak to me i have to ask them to repeat ..they sigh....especially my son... wether its his low tone i don't know but he may as well be talking a foreign language..so i just keep quiet ..

there is no pleasure in speaking to anyone when partially deaf.. im too nervous in case i miss something then can,t answer.. or give the wrong answer..
or look silly..its pride.. vanity all of those things...

my gran travelled to sunderland hospital regularly but of course technology has advanced since then..her hearing aid would whistle it drove me bonkers it must have been much worse for her...

it seems i don,t pay much attention and put up with it...until i either have water in my ears or have cold like now..
we really don,t know how ill we feel until we start to feel better..or have never felt really ill...

still ill with flu.. asleep early..woke thinking it was weekend..can,t cough it hurts..

I don,t think personal info should be going into blogs....
there are those that may like the spotlight on them and those who don,t, i don,t...i find it embarrassing.. its like putting yourself up for sale in a shop window and taking the chance of no one wanting to buy you..
i,m a very private person....so ive trimmed it all down...

all i wished for when i opened the blog was maybe some one with M.E would read it and be inspired to carry on....knowing they were,nt alone,
thats what i told ian..i just wanted a journal of renewal.. i diary of how i try to come out of the wilderness..cos thats where ive been..i was going to say still am but ive learnt a lot about myself.. so ive moved on a bit..

I got off the beaten track.. but that's cos i,ve been ill myself..
but only ever had good in my heart.. that's true, does,nt matter what anyone says i know its the truth deep down....i will keep saying that..
ive no wish to bother anyone so i go nowhere but here and internet shop..horoscopes..

a friend said you can,t be happy being stuck in... thats the thing... i have been..
i know that once my health is renewed..
going out will be as easy for me as it is for everyone else and this struggle that i have now will melt away... was tempted to say like lemon drops..so i have..
of course in reality thats far from the truth..

I,d like to sit back and inspire people to do whatever their heart wishes for..a dream they,ve maybe held and been too ... don,t know the word...scared or deflated to put in motion,

really i,m a free spirit, always was..no ties..a butterfly..i flit here and there....
eccentric..? maybe..i just don,t follow the pack..... a pioneer as not many have done what im doing so i have no benchmark..



im happiest when steeped in my hobbies..cardmaking...reading, painting.. there are people much worse off than me....ive never grown up, i ditch responsibility,


I,m lucky at home i can please myself.....although i do my share of running a household....
but i can do very much what i like.. which is just as well...i,m headstrong ....
if i come up against anything that slows me down eg.. illness... ect...or
opposition i just take a different route.. a turning..slow down...
but the path always leads me to my destination... it may take time ..
no one holds me down, the only person holding me down is me...

maybe one day they may get sick of me being ill and say its time you got your act together normal service must be resumed.......up to now they have,nt thank goodness cos it would terrify me...
but if so.....i,ll just say politely.. no... and find another way of getting well....
.
ive thought about it they have urged me..coaxed.. cajoled.. ..got angry... ive still put up resistence.... once i dig in my heels there,s not much point...
i don,t think ive come across anyone who,s changed my mind from the mind set that i have..
i don,t know anyone so don,t know wether i,m wrong thinking like this..
but i don,t trust anyone anymore...i can only go with whats right whats wrong and choose .. right..
anyway...god is good..
and if i dont make it ....then its just what god had in store for me..

you have to have trust in a higher force....its all i have.. when down you,ve no where else to go to look for help..
except inside your true higher self.. your soul...
and magic.. well it exists....some people are lucky enough in this lifetime to have experienced it..

it doesnt matter what anyone says to the contrary to that either
cos i know truth,... ..to be nurtured .. not abused.....
anyway..god would look down and say.."gillian...shame on you..."
i try blocking, thinking of other things..but its tiring doing that..chakra,s.. ive found out do exist..

so... in essence.. i,m the keeper of it.. the soul gaurdian...ive spelt soul that way for a reason ..
why me? don,t know that either but even if they send me to the tower i,ll keep saying it ..among other "good" things.. that there are more things in heaven and earth..

no birds whistling today..they,ve all maybe gone further afield..
going back to bed...thinking what day is it.. what a weird old week..
ive a very gruff voice today... (flu).. sound like a man.. perish the thought..

i do think that all men should live in one village all women in another.. a big wide deep river dividing the 2... never the twixt to meet .. or is that the twain...? anyway.... except maybe on a sunday...

unless they built a bridge id never leave my village... can,t swim and deep water terrifies me..

nose dripping .. flu and i,ll never understand people if i lived to be a thousand years old..
awake all night temperature.. then dreaming about internet security cos its been on my mind....me saying to an aunty .. i was just worried about it thats all is it a crime to worry.? she got on a plane to australia....

ill with.. flu.. maybe cos ive been in a bubble for such a long time....
tried to do too much too soon but i proved to myself it can be done..
its about mind over matter i was always strong willed if its something i want..

computer probs so im deciding on a laptop.. put a craft cd in last night.. almighty crack.. it broke into a million bits half of which are still in..
i,m thinking .. if i tip the tower upside down.. jiggle it a bit.. hopefully everything might just drop out... ..and pigs might fly..!
ive had it exactly a year so its ready for the tip..

just resting upstairs today.. quiet..
cardmake maybe .. later....

trying to get used to watching some tv.... soaps.. ect..waking the dead.,.
havent watched the news for about 6 months.. if anything major happens i,ll get to know about it soon enough..

thing is.. not used to being in the living room.. mighty strange..... fits and starts.. bit at a time.. short n sweet... all of that...

might decide i don,t like it at all, i don,t at the minute..unless its something mind bogglingly interesting...so then i,ll find something else...
hobbies probably....

i make a lot of noise in there anyway.. cutting, snipping.... i can,t just sit doing nothing .. boring..

grim day here.. cold.. damp.. misty.... does,nt really matter what the weathers like..its nice....i,ll just keep on saying good things....like attracts like..

thats it..
vitamin time.. trying new ones today and the new diet tomorrow... well not a diet as such.. new eating plan..the caveman diet.. no dairy or wheat..
good stuff.. berries.. veg.... steak.. hate meat so i,ll just do without,
have nuts instead....

going back to sleep, sore throat....slept right through.. the sun probably..

dreaming... i was on the phone talking to some one about my health yet i couldnt get the words out.. they couldnt understand me..........

thinking... there are people in this world like me i,m sure there must be some where although im not sure..who arent and never will be confident enough to speak .... ..not in the real world........i have to live with that..


who just like their own company and a quiet life.....would just like to live in a peace ful world where everyone tries to be friends.. surely that can,t be too difficult.. lifes too short for anything else..
i just potter on trying to improve my health. as ive been trying for months....

i dont think ill ever be any different.. not after all these years.. it would be like changing my core self.. my true essence.. id be out of kilter.....

up during the night as offspring was out in durhams dens of iniquity.. he woke me at 2.30am. tuna buns.. had to drag myself up...

woke later i thought... i bet i know what time it is before i even look at the clock i was right 4am dead on..eyes faces again when i close mine.. used to wake at that time a while ago but have been sleeping through...could ask a psychic about it but i,m not..
beautiful blackbird whistling outside....
thatll be it for the day...which is good.. suns out..make hay while the sun shines..

spirituality..reading my positive thinking book.

my motto for life .. i have my own life rules.. get up every day and try to do everything with a good heart.. if you can,t do this for whatever sad reason.
dont bother doing anything at all...


every day i get up with the intention of doing good...and i,ll keep on saying good things ....even in the face of adversity.... for the rest of my life..
dont think ive ever felt angry at anyone or anything....
to me anger is a negative emotion and i don,t buy into it.. it just gives you a headache... and at the end of the day .. has a hollow empty ring..
off to catch corrie... here endeth the lesson for the day..my lesson.. everyone has their own beliefs..

thinking too its the wedding season coming up wonder how many people will be retaking wedding vows..
just a thought popped into my head..ive heard it mentioned a few times..
cos ive one relative splitting acrimoniously after 33 years.. married age 17.. another saving to be married.. next year .. costing thousands..they are living together and already have a baby.. life is very strange.. i,ll never understand it.....but everyones different.
its whatever makes the individual happy..

got to put the blog into some kind of order over the weekend.. its not how i wanted it to be ....it was always just meant to be a journal of renewal then for whatever reason realised i could have psychic abilities.... some people do..

actually woke sad after dreaming of a story from long long ago it would have to be the 14th century......i came across it on wikipedia..ages ago.. about a sorcerer and a little apprentice....

I blogged it back then as i just have an interest in anything to do with magic and mystical stuff as i think theres much more to it than meets the eye..

but this story unfolded into how magic and stuff can end up causing distress to the un-initiated but never the less innocent, guilty of exuberance maybe..
......a youngster with a good heart, nothing but good intentions just trying to help the sorcerer basically..
it,s took some saying .. thought at the time such a sad story..now i can just not say it again..these psychic things are best left..... things like this affect me..

i pick up on a lot more than i let on.. try counting to one hundred..all the usual..
but psychic vibes also come to you from some where else.. so you can only block out for a certain length of time....

i suppose some people after a while would treat good stuff as an everyday happening.... like something that drops onto your mat in the mail.. yet if theyd realise.. its anything but..

i,m not ashamed to admit to maybe being psychic....we were all born with the ability.. some have just never tried to use the powers we have..

anyway.. i eventually just got up and went out.....

i,ll off upstairs now for a while then just get back up again and try to carry on recovering my health..
birds whistling..

everyone seems happy.... i,m so glad...lifes too short for anything else..

have,nt been in long, dog tired, legs aching for england.. ....nothing doing..... turning in...

going to keep a check of how many words i utter...in a day..it won,t be many..
i still manage to get through life saying not much at all..it,s amazing what can be achieved really..

need the fairies to come in and set to, house work.. garden work..
my craft room.. ive been trying to sort stuff for years, true....
i,m just up against brick walls ..if you arent on your true life path you will come up against brick walls what god has in store for me i don,t know but whatever it is it,s something outside these 4 walls..

"study" is the first thing that comes to mind.. i want to do evening classes..
just study... study.. study...... carry on with the reflexology.. aromatherapy..
flower essences.. complimentary therapies..... herbal remedies..
god gave us every cure for every ill in the form of plants..
painting.. list is endless.. ive a hunger for it..knowledge..
a thirst that will never be quenched...

woke late looked out thought lovely day went for a walk. the grass looks very green and lush. colors everywhere are brighter than i remembered. felt like sitting down making a daisy chain.. stranger things have happened i bet, ive been too ill and too fed up of being stuck in to worry about it..

going out into garden. make hay while the sun shines it,s the only way forward.

trying to acclimatize myself with the limited energy level i have..the windchimes are tinkling by the front door..

went out just after 8pm. tired and comfortable but it had to be done.
going back out now. all the trees in blossom..not many people about.

meg doesnt like it at all she lies down.

dont think i,ll ever visit the seaside again.. everytime i see the first aid station on the beach front doesnt matter which beach it is.. .. flag with the red cross flying from the roof i just take the horrors.. .. things become ingrained..
there was no pleasure after that ..
no matter how many rides on the little train..or candyfloss..

thinking....i do it a lot... every where ive been in my life going back to my earliest memory ive been unconsciously storing up pictures..
its as if i knew deep down in my soul i,d one day need to draw on them as i,d have no other way of remembering. i,d be a prisoner..
we were at south shields me mam dad son everyone having a good time,...
me.. sat looking out at the ferries and boats going in and out of the mouth of the river,
remember distinctly thinking, i can look back at that picture.. and i can, its as if ive perfected a photographic memory...

making some cards later.. when ive tidied up..it,s taking such a long time to get on the computer that i give up, havent had it a year yet,. thinking how i spent the days before last may..
i,d get up see to the mail. i dreaded the postie.. forms.. writing.. i,d tidy up, cardmake.. read..
paint..sat out in the garden in fine weather...hated the hot weather....especially the humid days..
i just wanted them to end....by the end of the night id be sitting in the garden trying to find a cool spot..

asleep early woke late.
feel as if I've been pulled through a whinney bush, don,t know what that's all about.
most likely cos i was walking..last night...
set my sights on further afield ages ago..got to have a goal.... it might not be yet..
but i,m determined..

i want to be sitting some where with the sun on my face wind in my hair...peace and quiet birds whistling.. not too much to ask...people who have freedom to roam don,t know they are born really...

i don,t mind really about the weather..it could be lashing down with rain.. hurricane force winds.
snowing a blizzard.... all day or minutes, well it,d have to be longer than minutes..
but really it,s trying to acclimatise myself.... plus i,m on my own.. that way i,m my own boss ,
i,m in control..and i don,t have to rely on anyone..
i made the mistake of going everywhere with my mam, then found it difficult to be by myself..
it,s not good to become dependant..

dreaming but don,t know of what yet..mam was in it..one part.....

remembered... saying to mam "do you think we,ll ever have tea and cake like we used to in the cafe round the corner."?
mam replid "yes as long as you don,t chatter on all day like you used to and distact me until my tea goes cold"....i did do those things...but i was just full of bounce and zest for life the days were,nt long enough...remembered some more it comes in dribs and drabs..i said to mam. "Promise if you promise to stop telling me off"...she took a lot of stuff out on me.. i was in the firing line..a lot.. dad wasn,t in the dream..mam looked well..
computers on the blink..
it,ll be ending up in the clinic..

what a day.. didnt get much done..

got no words really so ....printing off victorian seaside images for cards.

flying the nest..

trying to think how long its been...2001, which is a very scary thought.
ive got to try and find my own sense of freedom. free to come and go as i please..independence. every ones basic right. i,m stagnating in here.
the breakfast bar was always full of cuttings from plants, shrubs ect.
walking the dog was one of my great pleasures. among nature.
i,m lucky to have a park next door i can get lost in...
if things get you down in the house you can just pop on your coat and vanish, thats the thing i miss the most..

it,ll go down as one of the hardest things ive ever had to do it wasnt pre planned, i just got up off the top of the bed and pushed myself out.
will i be able to do it again? at this minute ... no..

i want a life.... want to see all the things i have,nt seen for years....
close up.... not through my minds eye....

first timer....

just come in been out with meg the collie.....as i sit here i feel as if ive climbed everest...not in the mind this time.. the body..

still goes on.

vitamins. 1pm. or there abouts.healing. the draughts usually behind me when on the computer last 2 days its been upstairs with me. i kept checking to see if the window was open it wasn,t.

tidying blog.

surfaced flu symptoms worse so going back with a cuppa. computer crashed again last night after 2am. spy infection i don,t even know what its called.
theres nothing like fear and worry of what the world tries to do to you to block any good feelings generated, about life and all its magic.. mystical once in a life time things.
sometimes you feel scared vulnerable a rabbit in the headlights.. if the world tries to scare you away it works with people like me...
as long as everyones happy.


pouring down.


Ive had advice ive to drop the negativity so thats what i,ll have to do.
regardless of what goes on on the outside the inside stays the same.

the comment below came true. computer crashed this morning.
spyware infection or what ever its called. hope all my data,s not leaked,.
its all just hanging by a thread.
it nearly went to the grave yard. it may be that i have to call in the experts.
high tech guys, if it gets worse then of course its the authorities, as i know nothing about things like that, ive never been bothered till lately..
its been going on for a quite a few days, maybe longer if i think about it.
its working, but very slowly.

stars for today, on i village, pretend you are locked in a room with a stranger trying to communicate, heavy metal booming through speakers and you can,t find as much as a crayon to write with..
not the exact words but that just about sums up what its been like for some one like me in here. which is why i need to get well soon as possible.

6.30 then 10.45pm early night ..didn't stop eyes faces when i shut mine.
that's all i can say on that matter now. only person who would understand a good psychic I've already asked him about draughts eyes faces without going into much detail, what can you say. ? not much. in a nutshell. !

if i lived to be a thousand id never understand why people in the world do the things they do.

can,t not say that it all still goes on..healing..night, day. thats it really.
turmoil too, just the vibes.. plus mystical things in the midst of it all.
thinking too that sometimes there are people for whatever reason can tune in well ive said it all before but where i fall short is 2 things go on.. feeling and hearing. so i don,t listen. if i do i ignore it. the hearing.

they are 2 completely opposing matters. things happened and i could never believe the hearing after that. only bad things.
thats the thing that caused utter confusion and it didnt matter what i heard after that, i coud,nt ever trust again.
so i dis believed all along really but erred on the side of caution.

so now theres just the healing feeling to try and understand.
it,s not diminishing as i close down and shut myself off it follows me.
its been like this for a long while. in total silence.
its sad when all trust is lost.
but survival mode kicks in when traumatized.
its the only way to explain it.
this is what happens between me and the world.

still goes on.

pondering , life...im thinking of me and the world.
Id like to wish the world and everyone in it the very best at everything they do and want to achieve...i hope too that everyones wildest dreams comes true, i wish everyone every happiness..
if it hasnt happend yet, "wish upon a star" mickey mouse did...

thats not said as a joke or lightly the disney film came to mind.. things like that happen to me... often..
its like i have tv playing in my head..

the world had nothing and never will have anything to fear from me.
i havent it in me. i always tried to do the opposite.
which is why ive always said im best alone.....happiest..
if i can,t do good i wouldnt do anything at all.
thats it really. my mind has to be turned elsewhere . blinkers.

the world and everyone in it will continue to scare me so i,ll just ignore all of it till i,m well.
my kitchens cosy.

suppose i am rock i am an island and its as i said no one ever got me.
the lass who couldnt hack life in the present ... no voice cos i just dare,nt speak to people..
...sadly she belonged in the 16th century.

if anything happens to me then this blog as i said 2 weeks ago will be my only epitaph..
and what will it be ? a few witterings of some one not well..and a few daft poems and stories.. a few bits on draft saying words of love and wisdom to good friends. ...

and people of the world... never fail to amaze me id stand beside innocent people,
to the death..
and when everyone walks out leaving you all alone you still have one person left who will never leave ... yourself.
as i toddle off up the stairs.


nothing new there and i dont mind, im used to it..its what i wanted i,m no use to anyone with no energy..
the top of the bed is and always has been ..base camp to me..

my motto is, when planning.. always remember to make allowances for your heart.
the heart .. speaks.. it has its own universal language.
i trust mine its the only thing i do trust ...
thats it really..

except to say i always make sure love is at the heart of everything.
there are people in the world i love more than life itself....
not just people, we can love animals, flowers, trees ,nature..
all the good stuff.... makes the world go round..

so really i make sure throughout life regardless ive tried to love everyone,
except the bad people of course.. then theres a slim chance it may come back to you.. the boomerang effect ,
if not well its best to keep it up..never give up hope.
im going through deleting now.

healing whatever it is goes on. even when asleep.

signing out.

haven't managed to find her yet but it,s a feeling of lightness, rejuvenation, the elixer of youth. how it happens i don,t know, its maybe just me i don,t know that either.
Ive been ill a long time and when i feel it its like i've been healed completely in an instant.

also, i,m here in my kitchen, i dont see anyone so it proves that this goes on without any human contact at all.
ive noticed too when i read anyones words i know how they are feeling, tired, happy, sad,
all of it. more or less where they are, what they are doing.

see colors too the other day it was green over the keyoard, today its deep purple.. not the rock group.. i dont like heavy metal, well maybe 1 or 2.. the exception.
this has all come about from being isolated and having to use other senses.
lack of sight.
maybe ive taken too much notice and still do, either way its here.
maybe when i,m out in the world it,ll diminish. i don,t know about that either.

i do know that i,m different to anyone else i,ve come across,
but its no good saying you are some thing if you are,nt, cos eventually people see through you best tell the truth from the start, then they can,t come back and say well you never said..
i made friends with a girl down our street and right from the start i told all my little idiosyncrasy's so she had the choice to say early on wether to carry on or not, saves time falling out over differences later, thats how lifes been for me.

reminded me i bought wishbone ash think it could have been close to the edge, no it wasnt that ,havent a clue, only bought it cos i liked blowing free.. dont know where i got close to the edge from its not even on it,
when i was packed off to hull i took it with me and left it on the bus with a good few other things too.
in the days when you never got "nowt" back. that and a million brollies.

sitting in quiet thinking about distance and absent healing.
when i first wrote to the healer betty shine in jan 1999 (sadly passed on now) that was the moment i got into all the mind energy stuff, positive thought, meditation ect.
i found recently it,s the kind of thing that can revitilise not only the mind the spirit but also the body. with powerful immediate effects.

anyone ever having felt the benefit of it would know how much better you feel in that single moment and how it can be used to enhance life.
but this energy has to come from some where then go back out too like a boomerang.
its a 2 way or even multiple thing i.m not sure on that score yet,
but i do know that if one of the links is broken for any reason, be it health, sadness, any negative thought pattern it stops,
so no benefit is gained anymore.

with practice or even no effort, just loving thought, it increases,
i was told this by a psychic healer who set up her own healing centre up in the dales.
i dont know wether she,s still there so i,m off to check her out..
i,m frozen. jacket on collar up.

started writing this at 9.10am it went on forever..
.no need to say much on "healing" front ,what can you say? no need.
how that sort of thing happens ive no idea...
thats it really, still be none the wiser. things come down from up above..
yet some say heaven isnt above us at all its superimposed all around us it just happens to be spinning at a faster higher vibration which means we can,t see it but its there..

we can,t see the wind moving the leaves on trees yet we don,t say,
it can,t be happening just cos it can,t be seen by the naked eye.....

energy never dies it just goes somewhere else it can,t be destroyed.
the human body can be, the ethereal body can,t....so i don,t worry what happens to me ..

I get through each day by saying to myself its the only thing i believe in life.
theres no one to discount it or say you don,t have it cos no one but me feels it,
and if you know some thing to be true in your heart then it doesn't make a hayporth of difference what anyone says to the contrary,
if you are,nt believed it doesn't matter.
the abba songs just come to mind i think they sang about it..angels..

I know the truth so thats how i go.. if there were some way of measuring these things by machine of some sort but of course there is,nt and thats probably for a good reason..

one day in the future there may be a way of finding truth, folk will have a
blue button in the middle of the fore head that shines bright with truth dim,
at other times.....
but for now we can only know by listening to the soul..the heart..
whatever or where ever all this mystical stuff comes from...
mind energy..the sixth sense..

there are all kinds of angels, earth angels too, people who walk the earth without even knowing it..

I don,t think for a minute i,m one, i mix up too, but i have always had a love of them..
and do think i have one walking beside me.. .
at certain times.. behind me when i,m on the computer .. i feel it..not all the time...
some days more than others..
draughts in one spot.. down the left side .. .itches, i see eyes when i shut mine,
faces.. its been just the outline, but becoming more distinct..ringing in ears..
all the classic stuff......

Ive given myself up to it and trust that things will turn out ok, as regards my health..ect.
if not, well, i feel that whatever was marked down for me in my "true life path"
thats gathering dust in the ancient hall of records the moment i was born,
i,ll accept it.. graciously, cos this is what was mapped out for me...

there were, in the past, long ago.. old sages who received messages from all over the world, prayers, they responded by sending out healing through the ether...
"calling cards". in the days when there was no such thing as mail..
signing out.

I dont bother anyone anymore. ive said time and time again....its a world thats not for me.
its the way it was meant to be. i can,t communicate with the world from here anway,
not without mix up and confusion. my m.e. brain won,t allow it.

11.30pm. sitting in utter quiet.

6.20pm

most of the night..
checking out jon cainer. he,s quite good. im interested in astrology.10.43am. quiet. no sound.

signing out.

I was told itll be 2years before im fully fit i refuse to believe this,
but..and as ive always told myself and family this is how it is, its not fair on other people im fully aware of that cos illness has a domino effect .
. but ive felt guilty for too long for something i cant help. and im sorry for it..


wether i ever manage to integrate or even get out properly i dont know..
the futures not ours to see... ke sera sera..

after 6pm.draughts itches eyes.

1.30am. and its thursday morning .. no its friday and im not sure of that ...

1.30pm.

12 mid day.

healing times.

odd times during the night.healing.
dreaming of hugging my brother as if for the first time in ages..we looked at each and said well we saw each other at xmas..then he went off to watch a game of base ball going on near here i sat on the kerbside and watched too..
very weird.

tonight while having quiet. nothing disturbing the inner peace.meditating.

this afternoon. odd times. now and again.

healing...

.started..10.30pm. utter quiet.

just after 12, draughts left side no where else. eyes. all of it really.

3.30pm itches . draughts. all of it.more things on heaven and earth

healing

11am-12am.healing today or what ever it is. couldn't do anything had to go back to bed. got nothing done at all. just paralyzes me.

healing 1.30am- 3am. more things in heaven and earth.today just after 9am thats as much as i know but during the night i could have got up and gone out. its a feeling of wellness.

10pm.

4.45pm healing.

signing out.

deleted negative stuff cos like attracts like.. ..
time to to recover..
simple stuff the kiss method.
.i want to be out and about by summer.

the above sparked off by a knock..a neighbour called for a favour..
ive been standing chatting for ages its at least a year since we chatted.
now i cant move..

this is how it went..
nieghbour.. ...how are you ?
me....not so hot but hoping to be better soon..

n... what is it then is it just not wanting to go out?
m... no.. quite the opposite. i want to feel better so i can get out..
i go on to explain for 10 mins. that i want to have the energy ..
if we,d had transport id have been out by now and it would have been easier.
.the first steps..
people who have cars stood at the end of the drive dont know they are born..

still not much understanding of illness... this is what im up against. every day. little..understanding.. i can handle that. ive had to.

me...im gonna be out by summer or before if poss in the park with meg...
and no doubt ill be the talk of the place..

it,ll be ehh havent seen you for ages.. watched like a hawk.
nieghbour replied... itll just be a 2 minute topic once the noveltys worn off theyll move onto some one else ...

ive got all this healing stuff going on stronger in the last week yet everything has gone pear shaped..and i kept my head down.. stuff follows me about... doesnt matter what i do..

thinking when i close my eyes now i see near perfect faces..
before it was just the outline now its features.too.

most of the night. stronger today than ever . theres been a draught behind me most of the night. itches like cobwebs over face left side. left ankle too. don,t really understand it all. im blank
its like being plugged into battersea power station.

turned in early healing still going on. strong.. all night all day really.
went on an angel site yesterday. its wondrous the things that can happen to you just outta the blue.. i,m still unsure about it, which is the wrong thing to say cos nobody believed in tinker bell ... she died..

its getting the head around the concept that these things happen,
some ones ill and some how they recieve something..from some one some where..
was gonna say in the post but thats frivolous and just popped into my head.
its through the ether.. unversal life force.. energy. that can be harnessed for all kinds of purpose and im living testament.

so I'm receiving some thing from some where....why ? how? don't know..
unless its coming from me..i don't think so. it just happens unconsciously.. the most beautiful thing ever..
i can,t speak of it that's the sad thing...thats how it should be..

signing out.

healing or whatever very strong all afternoon. faded, now back . correct time.6pm.

healing or whatever stronger than ever. 1.18pm. it has to stand for someting or have a reason. thats the thing. getting the head around that..thats the difficult bit.

utter quiet.. meditating.. healing began just before 10am .
eyes when i shut mine, all sorts very spooky. clocks not showing correct time its 11.30am

so its an energy that is channeled.
life force, and the sad thing is its not recognised this sort of thing, for the magic that it is .
still we live in a world that fights and flatches on...people should just trust in it.
as a good thing. i do, i,.. see it when i believe it..
signing out. im just trying to get well. and welcome assistance from heavenly beings..

asked another psychic about it tonight said its draughts itches a feeling. she said its healing it causes blockages to be removed. which is the feeling. thats all i know its gotta come from somewhere so someone is a channel it comes from above into a person a channel then its passed to me thats the gist of it really i have nt got my head round it cos it hasnt happened before
but its getting stronger as my all round situation worsens..

tonight.. after 8pm then after midnight. have seen more eyes than usual when i close mine.. itches around the face, draughts.. behind me.. a draught around left ankle even when under covers.. mystery. i,ll always be a mystery. it may dwindle but been stronger since middle last week. i feel well when i have it. thats a miracle in itself.

most of the morning, late-ish..still going on. its nearly 2pm. clocks wrong.

most of last night. even when asleep i woke having dreamed of it. eyes. very weird i dont know what to make of it at al but its there from somewhere.

a blog for times of absent healing..

times of absent healing..all afternoon.signing out.